Published on
Guardian
Reports that Harry Styles is having a fling with Caroline Flack whiff of showmance to me.
"X-cruciating," thundered the Sun this week, in reference to besieged karaokosseum The
X Factor. "Has a TV series ever stumbled so badly?" the paper went on, citing "judges' feuds, sex and drug allegations, uproar over contestants and now massive technical bungles". Strong words, certainly. And yet, and yet … if The
X Factor is such a damp squib, what does continuing to print Simon Cowell's press releases say about the newspapers that do it – and do it so admiringly?
Take a look at Exhibit A, a breathless front-page report from Thursday's Sun, which reveals that Harry Styles, a singer with last year's finalists One Direction, is dating Caroline Flack, presenter of spin-off show The Xtra Factor. Would you Adam and Eve it?
No, is the answer. No, you wouldn't, even if The
X Factor wasn't in hot water, and Five Erections didn't have a single out this week on Simon Cowell's label. To those who might deem this take vaguely cynical, Lost in Showbiz can only say: re-engage your disbelief. This is The
X Factor, a show of such naked, all-consuming cynicism that it makes Triumph of the Will look like The Tale of the Flopsy Bunnies. Of course, if Caroline and Harry should miraculously end up married or something, Lost in Showbiz will have no hesitation in issuing a public mea culpa and ordering the three people in Britain who don't already ignore every word of this facetious column to commence doing so at once.
But in the meantime, it is only fair that I should hand you over to the Sun's own account of the budding showmance, so that you may be the judge.
According to this apparently eye-witnessed report, the pair "shared a couple of desserts together" earlier this week, in the restaurant of a high-profile central London hotel, which happens to be a favourite hunting ground for hacks and paps alike. "After finishing the meal," the paper continues, "the giggling couple sauntered out of the main entrance at 11pm" – right on the dot, I imagine – "and hopped into the same chauffeur-driven car." Chauffered, presumably, by whoever is the Parker in Cowell's repertory company of unconvincing puppets. Louis Walsh, probably.
There follow some quotes from one of those anonymous onlookers who speak exactly like editorialising Sun journalists, who obliges readers by pointing out: "They didn't try to hide the fact that they were jumping in a cab together."
TV presenter Caroline Flack. Photograph: Beretta/Sims/Rex Features
The story is given added piquancy by the fact that Harry is 17, while Caroline is 32 – yet the traditional references to her being almost twice his age are refreshingly absent. I suppose that on all other occasions when the Sun reports a relationship between a 32-year-old woman and a 17-year-old young adult, it tends to be gleaned from crown court proceedings, with the elder party typically a biology teacher or something in PE, and the article accompanied by one of those admonishing little leaders in the Sun Says column. (Are you a student of these bits of drollery? My favourites are when the Sun directly addresses the chairman of the Federal Reserve to give him a ticking-off, or threatens Vladimir Putin over something or other – a pose that has felt increasingly forced since the phone-hacking fallout ensured the paper's political influence has a half life shorter than many unstable radionuclides.)
But back to Harry and Caroline, and their incredible showmance. I need hardly remind you of the controlling intelligence behind this publicity. Even Caroline's surname seems like something developed in a petri dish in Cowell's subterranean lab, designed specifically to appeal to subeditors who find themselves so tempted to deploy "copping some Flack", that the impulse overrides any concerns they might have over the veracity of the tale in question. Frankly, until I see compelling scientific evidence to the contrary, I refuse to believe that Caroline Flack is even humanoid. She is a replicant – basic headline model.
Still, she's certainly taking the flak for this romance, if a tweet she posted yesterday is anything to go by. "Hi one direction fans!" it ran. "To clarify. I'm close friends with harry ... He's one of the nicest people I know … I don't deserve death threats. :) x"
Well quite. At time of writing, Friday's
Sun was still a twinkle in its editor's eye, but something in my waters tells me that it will reveal that Xtra Factor beauty Caroline Flack has received death threats from crazed One Direction fans. And so it goes on – a timely reminder than it's still Cowell's world. The Sun's just printing it.
